“Language about modesty should focus not on hiding the female body but on understanding the body’s created role. Immodesty is not the improper exposure of the body per se, but the improper orientation of the body. Men and women are urged to pursue a modesty by which our glory is minimized and God’s is maximized. The body, the spirit and the mind all have a created role that is inherently God-centered. When we make ourselves central instead of God, we display the height of immodesty.”

This is a great article. If you haven’t already, read it.

http://blog.christianitytoday.com/women/2011/12/why_we_can_dump_modest_is_hott.html

With a friend of mine recently getting married, there’s been a lot of talk amongst my friends of the idea of love, relationships, and marriage. I can’t help but feel compelled to make a commentary on the matter when I feel like my perspective of things is modified from theirs because I tend to view things through a logical lens rather than the default emotional lens of the majority of other females. So we’ve got a few things I want to address here, I will section it out within the post as this is probably going to be another long one. The subjects: better understanding of why commandments were given, specifically touching on ones relating to sex and relationships; the extreme ends of the spectrum: must have a man in my life vs who needs ‘em.

They’re Not Just Arbitrary Rules

The number one thing that’s going to come to a person’s mind when they think of the church and relationships is the thing about sex. Let me just jump right into this one: think about the reason why this would be instituted. I guarantee you that all of the commandments that were given by God are not just because He wants to be a dictator. God created everything in the world including logic so that means that there is a reason. A few examples: circumcision was instituted because, well, that area can get really nasty in the old days when there wasn’t good hygiene. Similar thing with kosher meat as well. A lot of rules from the old testament were also largely for the purpose of keeping the people healthy. Now let’s apply that to the abstinence rule. Anyone who doesn’t see how obvious it is that sex without commitment just complicates things and hurts needs to open their eyes. From a scientific view, the act of sex releases certain hormones in the body which cause you to feel more bonded to the other. This is great for people who have already made a commitment to each other without the use of hormones and brain chemistry (meaning that they have gotten to know each other and have come to a logical conclusion that they would like to spend the rest of their lives together) because it fortifies the bond that has been made prior, but for those who have no foundation, it’s going to suck. The hormonal bond will only last while those chemicals in the brain are being produced (i.e. during sex). Later, when you’re realizing that you don’t like anything about this person otherwise, it’s just going to make it harder to let go because you remember the connection that there was during sex and conclude that it must be love. See? Makes things complicated. The reason why sex is supposed to be saved for after marriage is because marriage is supposed to be the ultimate commitment. By then, both husband and wife should know each other well and should have already made an unbiased decision to be together until death. THAT is why sex is to be saved for marriage.

The Desperation Spectrum: “I Can’t Live Without” vs. The Feigned “I Don’t Need Them!”

If there’s one thing I here over and over and over again amongst females it’s one of these things. For some reason it’s just nearly impossible to be perfectly centered in a spectrum and I know this from my own life in various different spectrums. Since I am a female I’ll be saying things from that point of view rather than making it gender neutral because it’s just easier. I feel that most girls start on the left side (“I can’t live without”) or somewhere close to it. Our culture teaches that we want and need that man and that we aren’t emotionally complete without them. There is a very small grain of truth to this which I will touch on in a moment, but for the most part it ends up being taken to the extreme where girls will be in complete desperation and they really can’t imagine functioning without a romantic male partner by their side.

Once they’ve gotten hurt enough times or have lost hope, they switch to the other end. They become defiant and asserting “I don’t need a man! Woman power!” I’m sorry but this is really easy to see through. If you really didn’t feel like you needed a man, and were ambivalent to it, you wouldn’t need to assert it. Once again, there is a grain of truth to this side too. As some of you may have heard before, hate is not the opposite of love, apathy is. Hate is just a passionate as an emotion as love is, so if you’re on the end of the spectrum where you hate men and you say you don’t need them in a way that is backed up by anger, then you’re kidding yourself.

So what’s the balance here? Well let’s start with the two grains of truth. Yes, there is something that a man has that women do not (I’m not talking anatomy here) that is something that is good to have in your life. But some of those components don’t need to be fulfilled through a romantic relationship. Notice how I don’t say “all,” the sexuality of a male is something that is desired but you can live without it. We are brothers and sisters in Christ and meant to fellowship together. We are not meant to stay in our respective corners and and assume that any interaction with the opposite sex is immodest or must lead to something more. Yes, you can live fine without the presence of someone of the opposite sex, but you must also acknowledge that there is something different about them, other than anatomy, that calls you to them. That is where the other grain of truth comes in. It’s a fact that you must be able to be at peace with and then you will be in a space of balance. You are a whole person with our without a romantic relationship but there also are non-anatomical components to a member of the opposite sex that you lack and that part of you will desire.

Closing Thoughts

I highly encourage you to think about things analytically. We become in love with the idea of being in love, we put marriage and relationships on a pedestal, and we think that it’s this “happily ever after,” needed, pivotal thing. It’s just an event in life. It’s not THE event in life. Think about the logistics behind things because when you get caught up in the feelings of it all, things become unbalanced.

Anyone who knows me well knows I spend a great deal of time analyzing things. In this case I was recently analyzing the nature of romantic relationships and specifically marriage because in my personal opinion I find it to be a waste of time and emotions to be romantically involved with someone without the intent of finding out if you want to marry them. Anyhow, I came to a simple conclusion: marriage is friends with benefits. I’ve heard others refer to this as “friendship on fire” but I feel like even that puts the whole thing one some sort of pedestal. I prefer the term “friends with benefits” because it’s not generally associated with marriage and all of the ridiculous expectations that go along with it.

In our current society, romantic relationships, particularly marriage, have WAY too many expectations in them. We expect our other half to be PERFECT - being the man/woman of our dreams physically, liking doing everything that we do, having a certain career, having certain opinions, doing certain hobbies which we find attractive, going out of their way every day to do something for us, and fulfilling our every need and desire. We are so sure that when we finally meet the right person, we will no longer be lonely and we will never be disappointed or hurt by them. Well I hate to burst your bubble but that’s impossible. Who on earth could live up to those standards? If we ourselves are making excuses such as, “I’m just not ready to be with someone right now: I’m not good enough” then how on earth will your spouse ever be good enough (and you for them)?

Time to let go of the preconceived notions. Lets define friendships, and I mean real ones, not the ones on facebook or the people that you see around every once in a while. I’m talking about your go-to friends who you share your life with. Hopefully these friends are: trustworthy, independent, caring, enjoy some of the activities you do, have some of the same opinions you do, and you enjoy spending time together. Yes, there are some things that you don’t completely agree on, but they’re only trivial issues. Yes, no individual person enjoys all of the things that you do, but that’s why you have more than one friend. And yes, there are times of tension (this is mainly apparent if you live together) because people aren’t perfect, but you work through it fairly easily. Wouldn’t you like to have friend like that for the rest of your life? With friendships, you don’t explode on the person every time they do something trivial that you didn’t want them to do, you don’t take them EVERYWHERE with you but rather you can survive a portion of time without them suction cupped to your hip (granted you might still want them there), you are a fully functional person in with or without them, but having them around makes life a little more fun and easier. If your friendships are the opposite of this description, you’ve got some thinking to do because that is not healthy.

Now, add sex. Hopefully you weren’t thinking of anyone in specific who you would not want to connect that thought with. Think about having a significant other who you have a close friendship with like the friendships described above - one where both parties can function autonomously but enjoy spending time together and deeply care for each other without burdening them with standards of perfection - and then think about what it would be like if you were physically attracted to that person. Bam. Marriage. You’re essentially the modern definition of “friends with benefits” except that you don’t go fooling around with other people.

Granted there are a few more ingredients to add into the mix: you must be able to live well together. I don’t care if at first you think it’s cute that your girlfriend talks out loud when watching TV, or at first you think it’s no big deal that your boyfriend doesn’t clean much because you don’t mind cleaning, ultimately this is going to be a problem. If you don’t have the same living standards, you ARE going to drive each other insane. Take mental notes of the things that bother you when you lived at home and the things that bother you about your roommates. Some things might not be that big of a deal, but if there are things that you absolutely do not want to live with for the rest of your life, then you probably don’t want a husband or wife that lives that way!

Another couple of notes to add: values, opinions, and beliefs are all touchy things. On some of these, you don’t need to match up completely, but on others, it’s crucial. You’ll have to make that distinction for yourself. And another important thing: you MUST remember to be independent. Yes, you should trust each other and be able to depend on each other, but not to the point where you are no longer a fully functioning person on your own as well.

Now after all that doesn’t marriage and finding “the one” sound a little less scary and intimidating?

A little something else I wrote last September:

There are some things that can only be expressed in music. While we have developed such a complex system of sounds, making words, making sentences, making paragraphs, making speech, nothing can quite express as well as music. You don’t have to speak music to understand it. Across cultures you can feel the message and emotion of the musician. And while I can speak words and write words, there is nothing quite the same as singing words. Even the simplest of them. Even just one or two. In music, words are not always words by definition. Each instrument speaks its words whether it be the beat of a single drum or the multiple articulations of a drum set. Or if it’s a guitar, each string has a different expression that can be expressed with other strings and with different emphasis and intonation. The piano sings its own though each key, each endless combination of keys, and how those ivories are tickled whether it be gently or with force. Music does not need translation. It does not need explanation. It bypasses the mind and brings the vibration of sound and emotion straight to the heart. There is no confusion, there is no loss for words, there is no “but I thought you said…” or “but I already told you…!” It’s honest in its tones and is going to say what it wants to say when it wants to say it.

A little something I wrote last September that I thought I’d share:

What is home? “Home is where the heart is” you answer. Well if home is where the heart is then I am still without one home. I have many, but they are all split apart. My heart becomes split apart, a broken home, but I am not from a broken home. It is amazing how music and scents can make almost anywhere feel like home. The beat of a drum and the playing of a guitar bring all the pieces together. The home I’m from, the home I’m at, the home that is away from me. The acoustics act as a glue, as if the harmonies and melodies that are made from sound waves that speak through my ears are God in audible form. Tightly wrapping my heart and mind. Calming my spirit. Washing my worries.

But the home is still broken. The heart is still in pieces. Lives become split as different directions are taken and at the same time lives become merged as paths intersect. It is a chaotic seismograph of life events, with the needles of all life on one paper. Constant overlapping and retreating makes the innocent paper look as stressful as the needles are. And yet, in some way, a rhythm is achieved. Intricately woven lines create a masterpiece, each ink from each needle being its own tone and shade unlike any other. A spectrum of life, merging in an earthquake.

Hayyyyyyeelllll YES it is! Don’t be afraid to say how awesome you are.

Time for a rant. What else is tumblr for but to barf your thoughts out onto the internet and hope that you may find strangers who sympathize with your brain vomit?

Today’s topic: Animal Activism vs Human Activism

Progressively over the last few months I have gotten more and more annoyed with the emphasis put on people and the lesser emphasis put on animals. Today I snapped when I saw a group of people on facebook discussing their reaction to an ASPCA commercial. They were saying how animal activists needed to get their priorities right and what’s the point in caring for animals when there are so many dying people out there. My blood is boiling just thinking about the phrases.

I can think of scores of large organizations that help people. Being involved in the church and going to a Christian school, I hear on a regular basis about how we should be volunteering with these organizations or donating money. That we should get a group of people together and go minister. The problem is that these people who go around and encourage these things and speak to people about it are people who are passionate about people. That’s why they’re there talking to people about it! People who are passionate about animals don’t waste their time going out and talking to people about it since people aren’t their passion, they’re with the ANIMALS! So all this work for people gets air time but no other passions get any. And then if you don’t feel called to help people for the rest of your life then you’re viewed as some sort of cold, heartless villain. Don’t get me wrong, taking care of people is very important. Ministry is very important. Telling people about Jesus is important. But that doesn’t mean you should neglect all else.

Thinking of large organizations that help animals, I can name three: ASPCA, HSUS, and PETA. Animals are still living beings, they deserved to be treated well. They have nerves and therefore can feel pain. And I personally believe that they have souls. You tell me how it’s ok for someone to treat their cat like a throwing vessel when they’re mad; their dog like it’s a punching bag; their horse like it’s dispensable. Would that be ok to treat your child like that? NO. What makes us as human beings so special that we shouldn’t be abused or neglected but it’s ok if animals are. Excuse my language, but what the FUCK?! If anything it should be the opposite! Animals have done nothing to deserve such a fate! It was us as humans that played a role in sin entering into the world. When my cats suffered as lymphoma slowly took their lives I wasn’t think “oh they deserve it” or “whatever they can’t feel it anyway” I was thinking “why the hell do these innocent animals have to suffer so horribly because of something MY race has done?” Tell me how that’s fair.

I’m not saying that we should neglect people or that people aren’t important. But this is probably one of maybe two topics that really makes me furious. Animals are important, what right do YOU have to say that they’re not or that animal activists don’t have their priorities straight? Get YOUR fucking priorities straight by caring for what you have a passion for and not telling others that their passion is wrong. God has given us each the righteous anger for our own realms of service. If everyone only cared for people, what would happen to the environment? What would happen to the animals?

Don’t go telling people what they should or should not be doing in ways of service. Just stick to what God has put in YOUR heart to do and DO it instead of wasting your time trying to change other people’s priorities.

For me, New Year’s Eve has always been a let down. I was spoiled by attending some really fun parties that my parents friends would put on until they moved away when I was in middle school. So I always end up in a bad mood after New Year’s. But every first of the year I reflect in my journal about what God has taught me in the last calendar year. This past year has been a shit year to be honest. It has not been my friend. And yet, as I sat reflecting on it, I came to realize some things.

It’s so uncomfortable having two different home environments: one at school and one back in my hometown. I’ve become much less conservative while I’ve been away, and so I feel like I would be looked down upon by my friends from back home. Yet up at school, I feel like I don’t fit the standards of my more liberal friends, because I’m not entirely on that end of the spectrum either. To be honest, there are probably only two or three people who I feel accept me entirely for who I am and can relate. I have become so confused in figuring out who I am because I have been trying to define myself by others around me. Herein lies the problem. You cannot define yourself by those around you. You have to define yourself for you; because it’s YOU who you’re going to be stuck with for the rest of your life and it’s YOU who is responsible for making yourself happy. You are not responsible for the happiness of others and they are not responsible for your happiness. While it has been disappointing to realize that there are an extremely few people who I feel accept me for every aspect of myself, it also has been liberating to realize that. To see that I don’t have to be what they want, but it’s just who I am and if they don’t accept me then whatever. At least I’m not trying to be someone I’m not. I can take comfort in knowing that I am happy with who I am because it’s who I have chosen to be, and no matter where I am in my faith or who I’ve decided to be, God will ALWAYS be there and love me. I do not have to please Him to earn His love.

So there you have it. Define yourself for yourself. Not for others. Not by others. Though I have learned a lot in 2011 and there were high points, good riddance to it. Happy 2012!

Whoever said that focusing on yourself was a selfish thing? I have grown up learning to be so focused in on other people’s wants, needs, and emotions that I have come to neglect my own. I have learned to let their schedule and feelings dictate my life. My mood would be determined by whatever mood they were in. My day would become scheduled around theirs. Though I still heartily believe in God and His teachings, my religion (religion is not faith, religion is a classification and set of rules) has taught me to be always putting others before myself because if I don’t, I am selfish. What I have learned now though, is that the reverse is true. I need to take care of myself first before I can take care of others. It is not selfish to keep my mind on my own actions and feelings. In fact it’s what I should be doing. Each person is responsible for their own actions and reactions. We cannot blame them on other people, we can only worry about ourselves. It’s part of becoming an adult to let people be responsible for their own selves and to be responsible for your own self. This doesn’t mean that you don’t continue to show compassion and care, but it means that you don’t go so far as to become completely focused and sometimes obsessed (as I have found my tendency to be) on other people and their actions. It’s not healthy for you to become so obsessed with someone else and their problems that you neglect your own. As I’m typing this a scripture comes to mind to backup my ramblings:

Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eyes, but do not consider the plank in your own? Or how can you say to your brother, “let me remove the speck from your eye”; and look, a plank is in your own eye? First remove the plank from your own eye, and then your will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

`Matthew 7:3-5

Though in this section Jesus is talking about judging others, it also applies to this situation here. Take care of yourself first!

It is foreign to me to ask myself honestly what I want to do today and not consider the “shoulds.” But it feels liberating. There are so many things I want to do in life. I don’t have to have someone else there to tell me to go do them. I don’t need to have someone there to do them with me. I love my friends and I love my family and they love me in return. They will always care for me and I for them, but I am no longer dependent on those relationships to function. I am learning to be autonomous.

What do YOU want to do today? Go do it!

We are so very complex. Sometimes the complexity of my own self annoys the shit out of me. While there is a physical mass that is our brain and our body and it works so intricately to function, there is also yet another component which makes up our own individual personalities and likes and dislikes and tendencies and hurts and joys. That, is our being. Our unique self. I don’t know whether to call it our soul or our spirit as I see the two as extremely similar. But it is the part of us that is simply housed in our physical bodies. If someone else were in this body, what would it look like? What would this body be used for what would it’s journey be if a different soul were in it? And how much of the tendencies and likes and dislikes stem from the soul and how much is driven by the genetic inheritance and makeup of the body? It’s interesting to wonder about.

Attachment. We have an amazing ability to attach to things with our emotions. The degree of attachment varies dependent on our genetic temperament, upbringing, culture, and of course, within our own souls. Having a mind that enjoys theory but finds solace in fact and logic makes embracing emotion difficult for me. Psychology is so indefinite. There is no official right answer. There are way to many variables. My logic wants to detach and understands but the mode of communication between my logic and my emotions doesn’t seem to be very effective. When I think I’ve let something go, and I’m sure I have, I come to find out later, much to my surprise, that I never did. I’m never sure when I have completed coping or even how much I like or dislike a particular aspect of life because though my brain may think “I’m ok now” or “I like this and I don’t like that” I always seem to encounter an argument with my heart later because my heart won’t speak loud enough over my mind. It can be quite stressful.

So very complex.